You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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