I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Randomize
