My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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