When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
