also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
