I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
