The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
