Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
