Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
