i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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