I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
