she was so not down for the gang bang
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
my liver is dry heaving
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
