Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
