Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
