I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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