A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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