How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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