she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
