I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
