In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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