you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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