If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
