she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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