I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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