She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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