You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
