there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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