Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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