After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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