I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
