Pappa wants mamma naked
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I fill condoms, not promises.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
