they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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