Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
