I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
