If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
