I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Im part way to drunk.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
this is an emotional support booty call
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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