he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
