God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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