have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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