I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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