I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
