I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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