I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
