Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
