Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
