I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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