drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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