3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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