Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
either way he was missing a nipple.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
