Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
